Monday, April 5, 2010

Top Things Never To Do EVER (For Guys!)

This entry is mostly for the purpose of cleaning up the dating world from all the slackers, bad-mannered, idiotic men that are plaguing the female society.  Yes girls, this one is for you!  Please accept this as my public service announcement against dating faux pas that seem to be happening across the globe.  So women, forward this to the men in your life and prevent them from falling into these pitfalls and endangering other females out there.  Friends don't let friends date idiotic guys....

1.  The term "powerful thighs" is not and will never be a compliment.  If you want to compliment a girl as a general rule stay away from talking about her hips, thighs or love handles and focus on her eyes or her shiny hair!

2.  When a girl says she would like to go for a casual, laid back evening, this does not mean eating pre-made sushi from AJ's Fine Foods.  Please guys, just because it says "Fine Foods" at the end does not make it suitable for dating, it's still a GROCERY STORE!

3.  If you are taking a girl to a store it better be for a purpose other than the fact that you've run out of body wash and want her opinion on what smells "manly."  First of all, your man card was revoked the moment you used the term "body wash," and second, being incapable of picking out a masculine smell is worrisome at best. 

4.  A winky face is not the equivalent to the "get out of jail free" card in Monopoly.  "Wow, put on a little weight huh? ;-)"  Oh yes, the combination of a semi-colon and parenthesis really did the trick to quell my anger.... NOT!.

5.  Hey guys, my eyes are up here!  (Enough said)

6.  Seriously guys, if you spend 45 minutes talking to one girl GET HER PHONE NUMBER!  Too much of our time is being wasted by the guys who are all talk and no action!  With the new millennium on us and women juggling the single life, gym time, career, education, etc, we just cannot spare those 45 mins on time stealers!  If she sat there and talked to you for that long without making an excuse to leave, she is into you so get her number!  So help me, if I hear "I just didn't get the chance to get your number" again I will scream.  Seriously, 45 mins was not long enough for you?  Did you need to waste another 15 mins to round out the whole hour that I could've been shamelessly flirting it up with a guy who has the guts to ask for the number????

7.  I'm sorry but you cannot simultaneously date roommates, for reals people, everyone knows that!   And by asking them both for permission does not make it ok.  For example:  "Hi ladies, I have this problem I want to share with you.  See I like you both and would like to date you both, is this going to be a problem?" (For reals someone said this to me, I can't make this stuff up!) Uh... yes, this clearly shows that there is a problem.... with your BRAIN! 

I could go on forever, but I will just stop here.  Really, what is wrong with some of these guys out there?  Were they raised in a barn??  Ladies, it is our job to train them up right and mold their impressionable minds.  Yes, we are like the masked crusaders out there trying to save the world from bad dates one impressionable man at a time.

Off to save another innocent soul from dating disaster,


The Crush Crusader

*PS- if you have tips to share, please comment on this blog and spread the good word around!


Allyson & Jere said...

Hilarious, and tragic all at once. Thanks for sharing this invaluable information! You crack me up.

Brooke said...

A guy who I'd been on a few dates with took me to dinner and then Walmart. (First clue) He wanted me to help pick out new deodorant because he was almost out. (Second clue) He picked one up and I told him that one stinks. His comment: "You'll get used to it." Ooookay. No. (Sorry, 3 strikes buddy.) That's annoyed me ever since. Ugh. Weirdo.

Kirsten said...

Oh my gosh Brooke, that is so sad! Here I thought I was the only one who has experienced something like this. Hopefully it wasn't the same person haha!

Mormon Bachelor Pad said...

I agree with all of these except #2. If you don't really want a "casual laid-back evening" then don't say that you do.

Grocery store food is the DEFINITION of "casual" and "laid-back". In fact, I'd go so far as to say sushi of ANY kind is too fancy. Frozen pizza and a 2-liter of Shasta is casual and laid-back, in my opinion.


Kirsten said...

Hey Calvin,

I have an honest confession on that one. "casual and laid-back" evening really meant, "I'm not interested and lets keep this short and sweet." Ya I know I could've been honest and just said no, but girls feel guilty about this and it's expected that you should atleast say yes to the first date. However, with that said, would you ever think that you would impress a girl with that?! And, if you are gonna go casual, just go all the way casual, not this in between "I'm showing her a good time because we went to a fancy restaurant and had sushi." I think you know what I am saying!

Thanks for the comment!

Erik and Amanda said...

Wow this is so funny and so true! I have a good feeling about this blog :)