Tuesday, December 21, 2010

"Sorry.... question mark"

There once was a girl who went on a date with a boy to a land of wonderful Thai cuisine.  She winked and smiled, twirled and flipped, leaning in to show of her interest.  He talked about his life, his job and his studies and family memories which all made him smile.  She shared her interests and hobbies and skills in hopes they would continue their lovely banter.  He continued to impress her with his wit and his sincerity, even down to his nervous energy.... well that was until about 15 minutes into the date when something rather peculiar began....

"So how does your food taste, dot, dot, dot?"

"Um...my food tastes really good, thank you for picking this place."

"That's good!  I love this place!  So how was work?"

"It was really stressful today, I'm so glad it is over!"

"Ya that's no fun, sorry question mark"

"Um that's ok?  I guess that happens at work from time to time right?"

"Does it, dot, dot, dot..."

Yeah.... you get the picture.  Try to imagine if you will how utterly annoying it is for someone to continually SPEAK their punctuation!  Yes, SPEAK IT.  It got to the point where I was ticking down the minutes with every spoken punctuation until I could get out of there!  It was like watching a bad impression of Victor Borge's comedy sketch and I was strapped by etiquette to my seat! I wish I could say that punctuation guy and I did not go out again, but alas, I did indeed commit to another date.  And honestly, the punctuation thing hasn't been as bad as it was the first time... the problem lay elsewhere with this poor guy, but that is a discussion for another day.....

For those of you who too young to  know who Victor Borge is, here is the link for your understanding... a rose is a rose even if it's old enough to know Victor Borge..... :)

A rose by any other age....

After a recent move to the uncharted wilds of Utah, I have been interested in the inexplicable preoccupation with my age.  Yes, I know I am closing in on the infamous 30, but when did this become of public concern??  So it has motivated me to confront this glaring issue and ask:  Who the heck cares what my age is??  I've come to find that it's not so much the question or the age that bothers me, it's more of the sympathetic tilt of the head and the response "but you are so cute" that usually comes after my response to the question that really gets under my skin.  Should I be less cute because I am now closer to 30 than 20?  This makes no sense to me.  Or is it that the general population believes only not cute people should be able to make it to 30 without being married?

I took this question to my co-worker, a 24 year old single male, who simply stated: "Women are like wine, they get better with age."  Now, I know he meant this to be a compliment but I couldn't help but think that this was also not an acceptable way of looking at things.  So should I wait till I am 40 before I am good enough to be had???  No!  Either way you look at it, there is stigma with the age.  Either I am too old to be single, or not old enough to be sweet.... make up your mind world!

I am simply a tweener roaming the world in between being too old and not old enough.  Too old for the sweet, non-jaded early 20-somethings, and not old enough to be a cougar.  After much thought regarding this, I have determined to challenge this concept of how old is too old or not old enough with my own declaration:

"A rose by any other age would still smell as sweet."

So to anyone who asks my age I will simply remind them that it does not matter!  Regardless if I am 23 or 33, I would still smell as sweet and still be me.... so take it or leave it!

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Types of Men- the Manther

As I was perusing Urbandictionary.com (one of my fav websites by FAR!) I came across this type of man with whom I have recently become acquainted:  The Manther.  This is the male version of a cougar, or an older man who preys on young girls.  It's funny even as I say that I think "ew what a creeper!"  I know, I know, with the whole cougar thing this is me pot calling the kettle black, but still... ew....

I was at a party recently and there were far too many Manthers for my liking.  The problem with these guys is that they are so bitter and jaded that they become extremely full of themselves.  If I were to hold up a mirror for them they would see the suave and debonair man they once were when they had hair and an age that started with a 2.  These guys spend a lot of time in the gym getting ripped and then stop by the tanning salon to grab them some color.  They look at themselves and think "man I have never looked so good, I'm gonna get me a hottie that looks as good as me!"  Anyway, I digress... back to the party....  seeing as I am still in my 20's, I am still considered Manther bait and those Manthers are out on the prowl.  As I sat by the pool I could see the guys looking at me and each would take their turns coming up to "introduce themselves" and try to put their arm around me as many times as possible.  The women their age sat across the pool glowering at them, or maybe me I couldn't really tell which one they were looking at.  Any girl likes attention, and at first I will admit I was a little carried away with all the attention until someone stopped me in my tracks!  As one particularly tanned and bulky man was taking his turn talking to me, this girl (I could almost say woman, that's how old she is) walked up, looked at me, then at him and said "dad, I'm ready to go."  I looked at this young woman who was approximately my height, with makeup and an ASU t-shirt and was quickly doing the math in my head trying to figure out how old this guy must really be.  After some response in the affirmative, he leans over to me and says "that's my daughter.  I'm such a proud dad, she just finished her first year at ASU.  Hey didn't you say you went to ASU too?"  I mean really!  What do you say to that??!!  Uh yes, I actually DO go to ASU, maybe I'll cross paths with your daughter and we can be BFF's and maybe you can pick me up after class when you pick up your daughter too!  Um no....  I don't want to date a guy who could be my dad... NEXT!

Any girl that is my age and still single knows exactly what I am talking, and has been through this situation.  They have seen the balding 40 something year old guy still attending the Young Single Adult activities because as they say, they are young at heart.  Well 40 yr old creeper, you aren't, just accept it and stop touching my shoulders!  Anyway... that's all I have to say on that topic for now.....

It's a jungle out there for reals girls!  Happy hunting!

A Guy's Perspective

Have you ever wondered what goes on in the mind of a guy after a date or during those precious "dude" moments??  Well I know more than I ever needed to know after reading the Mormon Bachelor Pad blog.  Calvin and Jake share raw, real emotion (well real is still being debated as they changed their names and the names of those involved leaving readers wondering if this is just some fat middle-aged man living out his fantasies through blog postings) as they try to navigate the wilds of the dating world in Provo, Utah.  You'll laugh, cry (over their stupid mistakes) and roll your eyes at their antics.  But really, you'll just know what you are up against when it comes to dating.  I just couldn't pass up sharing this jewel.  Happy reading!

Thursday, April 15, 2010


Alright, I have gotten quite a lot of feedback regarding the term "cougarette."  Many people seem to think I should be calling myself a Puma, however, as Urban Dictionary points out, I am too young to be a Puma hence the birth of the cougarette.  One day maybe I will rise through the ranks of women to cougardom, but until then I am happy to be referred to as a cougarette.  I know this might be confusing for some, so I would like to differentiate the various levels.  Oh yeah, let's break it down now!
  • Cougarettes-  AKA "cougars-in-training", it is at this point that a women is beginning the journey to cougardom by completing her education, starting her professional career whatever that may be, and beginning to identify her strengths and weaknesses in order to better attract prey.  During this stage, Cougarettes are building their self-awareness skills, gathering dating and life experiences and increasing their confidence and self-esteem.  These are women in their 20's not yet old enough to be dating men extremely younger then them as they would be dating jail bait, and that's just gross.  The main idea in this stage is to date as many people possible in order to gather the experience needed in the future stages.
  • Pumas- Pumas are women in their early to mid 30's dating men who are currently in their 20's. This is basically the learner's permit stage to cougardom, once you prove your skills and have allotted sufficient time, your training wheels will come off and you will be catapulted into cougarhood.  This stage is defined by a marked increase in confidence, self-worth, experience and skills with the men.  Pumas often roll in packs and can be found draped across a young man or two at parties or gatherings.  
  • Cougars- This is the Holy Grail, you have arrived finally at this stage.  Training wheels are off and you now have a license to hunt.  Prey is now younger than you by 10 years or more without the worry of being arrested or having to go to prom with them.  A cougar is characterized by her ability to take care of herself monetarily and physically, with smoldering curves and the charm of only and experienced woman can have.  Men are easily taken by her as they can not resist the alluring glances of this woman as she is stalking her prey.  Oh yes women, you have arrived at this stage.  Men can't resist you and you now have your pick, do you play nice with a young and energetic man, or do you play hard ball with an older more experienced gentleman?  Your choice ladies.
Whew, with that out of the way I would like to just say thanks for reading my blog!  Feel free to comment or post questions!  I love comments and the stories everyone shares!  Up-coming topics:  types of men and why to stay away from them or which ones to love, how to attract prey and more horrificly funny dating stories!  Enjoy!

Monday, April 5, 2010

Top Things Never To Do EVER (For Guys!)

This entry is mostly for the purpose of cleaning up the dating world from all the slackers, bad-mannered, idiotic men that are plaguing the female society.  Yes girls, this one is for you!  Please accept this as my public service announcement against dating faux pas that seem to be happening across the globe.  So women, forward this to the men in your life and prevent them from falling into these pitfalls and endangering other females out there.  Friends don't let friends date idiotic guys....

1.  The term "powerful thighs" is not and will never be a compliment.  If you want to compliment a girl as a general rule stay away from talking about her hips, thighs or love handles and focus on her eyes or her shiny hair!

2.  When a girl says she would like to go for a casual, laid back evening, this does not mean eating pre-made sushi from AJ's Fine Foods.  Please guys, just because it says "Fine Foods" at the end does not make it suitable for dating, it's still a GROCERY STORE!

3.  If you are taking a girl to a store it better be for a purpose other than the fact that you've run out of body wash and want her opinion on what smells "manly."  First of all, your man card was revoked the moment you used the term "body wash," and second, being incapable of picking out a masculine smell is worrisome at best. 

4.  A winky face is not the equivalent to the "get out of jail free" card in Monopoly.  "Wow, put on a little weight huh? ;-)"  Oh yes, the combination of a semi-colon and parenthesis really did the trick to quell my anger.... NOT!.

5.  Hey guys, my eyes are up here!  (Enough said)

6.  Seriously guys, if you spend 45 minutes talking to one girl GET HER PHONE NUMBER!  Too much of our time is being wasted by the guys who are all talk and no action!  With the new millennium on us and women juggling the single life, gym time, career, education, etc, we just cannot spare those 45 mins on time stealers!  If she sat there and talked to you for that long without making an excuse to leave, she is into you so get her number!  So help me, if I hear "I just didn't get the chance to get your number" again I will scream.  Seriously, 45 mins was not long enough for you?  Did you need to waste another 15 mins to round out the whole hour that I could've been shamelessly flirting it up with a guy who has the guts to ask for the number????

7.  I'm sorry but you cannot simultaneously date roommates, for reals people, everyone knows that!   And by asking them both for permission does not make it ok.  For example:  "Hi ladies, I have this problem I want to share with you.  See I like you both and would like to date you both, is this going to be a problem?" (For reals someone said this to me, I can't make this stuff up!) Uh... yes, this clearly shows that there is a problem.... with your BRAIN! 

I could go on forever, but I will just stop here.  Really, what is wrong with some of these guys out there?  Were they raised in a barn??  Ladies, it is our job to train them up right and mold their impressionable minds.  Yes, we are like the masked crusaders out there trying to save the world from bad dates one impressionable man at a time.

Off to save another innocent soul from dating disaster,


The Crush Crusader

*PS- if you have tips to share, please comment on this blog and spread the good word around!

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Mr. Tall, Dark and Handsome

Every girl has had that moment where they imagine a tall, dark and handsome man riding up on the white horse and sweeping them away for a romantic sunset ride at least once in their lives.  Granted it's usually when we are in a dead-end relationship or day-dreaming over some unfinished homework, but still, it happens!  I never thought this fantasy would come true, until that fatefully Monday afternoon that my Spanish Cowboy rode up and swept me away for a sunny afternoon ride.  I have to tell you, it was the utmost romantic date I had EVER been on!  He stretched his hand out and hoisted me on to the saddle snuggled up right against him.  I need to interject her and state that he is the HOTTEST guy ever, you look into his dreamy eyes and forget everything you were about to say.... sigh...  Anyway, back to the story at hand.  As I relaxed into him on the saddle I began to strike up conversations with him. 

Me:  So what is your horse's name?
Cowboy: my horse's name?
Me: yes, what is her name?
Cowboy: her name is Susannah

Me again:  So how often do you ride her?
Cowboy:  Ride her?
Me:  yes, how often do you take Susannah for a ride?
Cowboy:  Oh...  every day

At this point I am thinking he is either hard of hearing or I am speaking a different language.... and then it hits me!  I am speaking a different language!  See I met Mr. Cowboy at a latin dance in Mesa and we did talk a little, but didn't go too far past the beginning questions.  It never crossed my mind that he no habloed ingles.  I was at a crossroads: do I keep going with this man who doesn't understand me, or do I just laugh at the situation and move on.  After so many years of dating I began to think that a language barrier might not be the worst barrier I have ever come across and it might be nice not to be back talked or fought with, just to have a hot spanish cowboy on my arm smiling... ok, don't judge me....  I entertained this idea for longer than I am willing to admit, but did concede that this might possibly not be the kind of relationship I would like to be in, so I politely thanked him for the ride and turned to watch my Spanish Cowboy ride off into the sunset that day with the memory of my tall, dark and handsome man who had ridden up on his white horse and swept me away for a magical afternoon.  Maybe someday another smoldering cowboy will ride up on a white horse and sweep me away, and actually speak my language!  Until then..... cougarette signing out!

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

One is the loneliest number....

As the cougarette wanders the wilds of single life, the thought dawns on her that one truly can be the loneliest number that she's ever known.  Now it is important for the cougarette to remain single and steadfast in order to be open to practicing her heartbreaker skills such as flirting, caressing, attention getting and so forth that might be frown upon by a serious suitor.  Listen, I am not heartless, I know that this is setting myself up to be on my own for quite a while (that's right, cougarville is still quite a few years away) but this is a sacrifice I am willing to make to refine my art.  Every artist must bleed for their art right?!  Anyway, these thoughts lead me to the importance of the next lesson in my cougarette training: self-efficiency.  It is important to build a strong foundation of confidence and self-esteem if you wish to ever achieve the upper-echelons of cougarhood!  Now there may be some lonely nights, and some tears on the pillow during this stage of training, but the silver lining is that someone undertaking this lesson will walk away with an increased sense of who they are and how awesome they are! 

See there are 2 different kinds of cougars out there.  There is the sad, lonely old ladies that sit at the bar all by themselves secretly thinking about her dozens of cats at home trying to think about whether she remembered to feed them before leaving or not.  And then there is the svelt cougar with the smokey eyes, push-up bra offering the proper support, leaning against the bar smiling and chatting away with those around her.  So what is the difference?  Confidence!  This is where the lesson comes in... it's important to cultivate talents and strengths in order to build confidence in yourself.  This is a lesson that will not only benefit the cougarette or the cougar, but it'll also benefit the prey... I mean partner she settles down with!  He will appreciate the glow the confidence and the stability it brings. 

The second part of this lesson is simple, when you are busy and expanding your horizons, loneliness is no longer at the forefront of your mind making the journey through the wilds of life alone a little more manageable, and help make the journey more fun as you learn new things and take new risks in your life!